Skills I Have That Will Never Get Me Anywhere

HEY Y'ALL!

You know those people that are good at pretty much everything? Even the stuff they've never tried before? They're all like "Oh, I don't know, I've never shot a basketball before..." and then they're like:

BAYUM!

Anyway, those people suck. I am good at like, maybe 3 things that I can actually apply in my life. But I also have some mad skillz that will never get me anywhere in life. They go a little something like this: 

1. Miniature golf. I am the putt-putt champion of the world. OF THE WORLD. Ok, that actually hasn't been determined, and I'm pretty sure I would lose to some cray cray Asian that has been training hardcore since she could walk, but still. 

What a jerk.

2. Wiggling my ears. This is my go-to move for those lame "Get to Know You" games where you have to say your name and tell an interesting fact about yourself. People go crazy for some ear wiggling!

3. Picking things up with my toes. Is there a job that lets me do this all day? My toes could be like the crane for some construction company! Yeah! Life=planned.

Hellooooo, job security.

4. Popping bones in my body. If I get on a roll it sounds like a chubby kid rolling on some bubble wrap up in here.

5. Dance Dance Revolution. Do you guys remember this game? It was kinda weird and strangely addicting. I got it for Christmas one year and actually got pretty good at it. I don't really remember what happened to it...But it's probably for the best that I don't still have it or it might have consumed my life with its catchy Japanese music and bright colors.

P@P@R@ZZi B3 @LL UP 0N M3 WHiL3 i PL@Y Mi DDR

So there you have it. These are the skills God blessed me with...for...whatever...reason...Be jealous.

First World Problems

Hi! Hey. Wassupppp? HEY Y'ALL! 

Some of you may have seen the meme floating around the internet about "first world problems". If you haven't, Merry Christmas:

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/first-world-problems

I honestly love this meme. All these cray-cray* Americans be gettin' their panties in a wad over problems that would make people in third world countries look at us like this:

Haha! That baby is like, LOL WUT

My point is, everybody just needs to CALM DOWN. Look around you, take a deep breath, relax. Think about things that make you HAPPY. One day, when you're old and wrinkly and all alone, so, so, SO alone, you're going to look back and think, man, I was hot. Also, you're gonna regret being so darn grouchy/upset all the time. So compile a G-rated list of things that make you happy and reflect on that shiznick. Mine looks something like this:

1. Jeggings. YEP, NUMBER ONE. For those of you unfortunate enough to not know what jeggings are, leggings + pants = jeggings. AND THEY ARE AMAZING. I have a friend whose name I won't mention (her name is Randa) who HATES jeggings. Absolutely despises them. She thinks you "should just wear normal pants" or whatever. If only she knew the freedom that comes with a nice pair of jeggings, she would eat her words. EAT. HER. WORDS. Anyway, they look great with boots and they're pretty dang comfortable. Buy a pair. Except if you're a dude. Then buy two pairs!

2. Being able to read and understand small snippets of Spanish. I CANNOT EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW HAPPY THIS MAKES ME...I was in the library once and read the spine of a book written in Spanish and I felt like everything in my life was worthwhile, you know? When this happens, that little happy Mexican boy that gets lifted onto everyone's shoulders in those taco commercials appears in my mind and congratulates me.

He suggests a flat bottom for a taco and they throw him a freakin' fiesta? C'mon.

3. Cotton candy. Why does no one ever talk about this? Like seriously. Cotton candy may be one of the best things humanity has ever done with its time. It dissolves in your mouth into swirls of joy and love. And you can't tell me you don't like it. 

4. Taking naps with jeans on. Now, I know many people probably HATE this feeling...being constricted in a tight pair of jeans (jeggings) while under the covers...but I have always LOVED it. There is something so warm and snuggly about sleeping in jeans. So shoot me.

They like sleeping in jeans too!

So that's basically a list of the best things in the world. America just needs to calm down and slip on her favorite pair of jeggings. On that note, adios! (That little Mexican boy is SO proud!)

*cray-cray: 

Steming from the term "Crazy", when Referring to someone as "Cray Cray", signifies their craziness to a whole other level. The ultimate second power of crazy. This person can either be insane in the brain. Or simply, TOO DOWN. To the point where its not even cool anymore.